I awoke this morning fully aware of my heart pumping strong. I lied still and felt the blood move into the vital organ and back out again, and I became very thankful, for it was just yesterday, I was unaware of its existence.
Somehow this past week, I let life lead me and it didn't take long before I just didn't feel like myself. When Sunday rolled around, I couldn't wait to step foot inside those church doors. I listened to the sermon, and became aware that something was missing. I watched the preacher as he displayed incredible enthusiasm. He stood on the piano bench and all I could do was watch. My mind was racing the message around in circles as he wiped the beaded sweat from his brow. He talked about how you can speak from your mind, but the Lord knows when you speak from the heart. He talked of people thinking they were Saved because they spoke rehearsed words but if sincerity and heart isn't included, the Lord knows.
I took the message back home with me as I would a plate of food I wasn't hungry enough to eat right then. I was dissatisfied with myself since I normally devour everything right then and there but for some reason, I was held back this time. Unsure if I had prayed enough this week, I said a quick prayer hoping to awake the Christian who lived inside...but she remained at bay.
I told my child I felt like we needed to sit somewhere different during the evening service, maybe I'd get a new perspective but we took to our usual seats. I was fully aware that He wanted me to figure this one out and my ears listened. I sat there with my Bible in hand and a long time member stood to his feet, as he was going to preach this night. His dark Bible opened with the familiar golden edges shining in the lights from above. His voice grew in power and pretty soon, my bones rattled as if there were no flesh hanging from them. He described how he was to blame for most of his troubles. He got in the way of himself lots of times and I wondered why I let myself get in the way this week. I realized I was looking for a why when I should have been looking for a how. How do I fix this, how do I move forward from here?
We were asked to have Altar prayer and I intended to end this battle right then and there. Although we were supposed to be praying for someone else, I couldn't help anyone, until I was where I needed to be. As I felt my knees bend into the welcoming carpet, I realized that was the first time all week that I had intention. My heartless prayers during the week were quickly put into perspective. I had went through the motions of a Christian life, because I had become accustomed to it, but He knew I was speaking with my mind and not my heart. As I spoke to Him, I became completely aware of my beating heart. I began to pray for others and tears ran down the wrists of my clinched hands.
I left there, better than I walked in. On the way home a song came on the radio about pictures on the wall. I thought of how emotional we can get from a picture. A single photograph can stir up memories from our past. I can look at one picture of my kids when they were babies and realize how fast time goes by. If I'm not careful I'll be sitting in a pool of tears just from looking at a picture. I wondered what it would be like if God had pictures of all His children on the walls of Heaven, what would He think of mine. Would He be proud of what I've become and how much I've grown. I could barely see to drive as I wept the whole way home. By the time we pulled up in the driveway, I was exhausted but I had a refreshed vision of who I am, and who He needs me to be. Thank you Lord, for getting back to the heart.