Monday, May 7, 2012

Backside of a Burden

I have to admit, I've been struggling. Often when I struggle, people see it when I write, because this is what He has chosen for me to do...write. I'm fully aware that if affects people when I have unresolved burdens, because I do not wear them well. I have really focused on this burden the last couple of weeks, trying to resolve it. I kept praying and praying about it, hoping that if I prayed hard enough, long enough, that the burden would resolve itself the way I had secretly hoped it would. Instead, I finally reached a point this morning where I've accepted this burden, resolved it as He would have me to do, and I can't tell you how much relief I feel. There is no sadness that it didn't turn out the way I had wished it would, because on the backside of a burden, He is waiting. On this morning, I know that my blinders will be lifted as I let Him back in.

I sit in tears because I've missed this feeling of joy that only Christ can bring, I am Blessed to finally be on the backside now. I knew a blessing was waiting for me and for a couple of weeks now, I've been searching in the wrong place. It all made sense yesterday when our preacher stood before us and gave me The Word, I so desperately needed. Praise Him in the loss. With streams rolling from his sinful eyes, he told us how he'd praised The Lord as he had won three straight events in a row, referring to his hobby. He said it hit him fast and hard that he should also be praising His Name in the losses as well.

Sunday became a blur for me after that. His Presence started appearing again from every direction and it became hard for me to keep up. I kept watching the man on the front pew reach down and feel for the cross on the side of the wooden bench, as he often does. A lady behind him stood to sing "As Small As I Am" and I watched her husband silently sing with her and close his eyes as he got lost in the words. I knew He was near but I was still wearing the burden that seemed to shield me from everything, even from all that was good.

As this lady sang a song I've heard many times, I knew that it sounded different this day. Words were floating from her heart. In my head, a small piece of paper kept entering my thoughts. A few weeks ago, before I let my burden overtake me, I had taken the kids to school only to return and find a tiny piece of paper on my kitchen table. On it, three words were written in black magic marker with the finest eight year old penmanship. It said, "As I Am". I had smiled down at the paper as this song had immediately came to mind. I couldn't bring myself to touch the tiny piece of ripped paper but all day long, I had been drawn to it. I found myself several times, walking back to the table, leaning down and propping myself up on locked elbows just staring at it. When my child got home, I asked her why she wrote it. She shrugged her shoulders and said, "I don't know." But I did. I needed it.

I didn't have to struggle for the last several weeks if I had listened with an attentive Spirit. I instead took the last two weeks and try to change something into an opportunity for my family, even though something about it didn't feel right. As our preacher mentioned several times yesterday, Jesus is the answer...always has been, always will be. The Lord showed me today that I must put complete trust in Him, and pray with full Faith instead of half-hearted hope, and my burdens will be lifted.

Around Valentines Day, a little girl handed me this piece of candy during church just as I was about to walk to The Altar in prayer. On it read, ASK ME. I was about to go pray for someone else at the time. Although my burden was actually present at that very moment, I had not seen it in full. The tiny four year old had already put the answer in my hands.  I admit, I have shamefully been looking to others for the answer. I was waiting for someone to sing the right song. I was waiting for someone to Testify the answer. I was looking in my fellow people to find me the answer. All I needed to do was ASK HIM...and then listen.

Thanking Him this morning for the backside of a burden...

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