Friday, January 4, 2013

If You Could See Me Now...

A box of old photos sits in the floor next to my bed. I know my youngest child has been peeking at the past again. I can see her half attempt to put the top back in a hurried rush but it has fallen in the floor. I can see myself in that box. I have felt The Lord all morning, in the house, at school, outside, everywhere, and my heart slowed to a deep beat as I approached the photo box, and I took comfort knowing HE was there.

I smiled at an old photograph of me when I was a little girl. I knew she had been looking at this one since it was near the top. In that picture, I saw my two older sisters at a family dinner as we all had gathered at my grandmother's house. I could hear the clatter of large spoons clinging against the metal pots on the stove, my teenage sisters exchanging giggles as they often found humor in everything, and I could hear the chatter of extended family as everyone reunited from near and far over a feast. I could see the plastic fruit arrangement that sat on Maw Maw's table for years. I looked at the child in that photo, who shared my breath, who shared my heart, who shared my spirit and with a tear I said, "If you could see me now..."

I saw my husband hold the hand of his bride as we were just wed, some fifteen years ago. I smiled and told that girl, "Love that man. He's way more than you even know he is...if you could see him now..."

I looked through a few more pictures and came across one with a date posted in the bottom right corner. The swell of my belly told me that it was just days before my first child would enter into this world. With tears flowing I tried to speak to the young mother I saw before me...
      "In a few days, your life is gonna change. It will be not only be the hardest and scariest of your days to date, but it will be one of the most joyous. You will receive a lifetime of gifts from this one day and you just hang in there, God will see you through it."
I put the picture back in the box carefully, and my hand moved throughout the box in search of more.

Some pictures made me laugh and some made me cry. I soon found myself holding one in my hand and I was looking down at the little boy that was born to change my world. His smile filled the picture and his love brought warmth to me on this cold January day. He was just a tiny baby who had been born into a world of pain, and a world of hurt and I spoke the same words I had told him time and time again as a child, before each test, before procedure, before each surgery...
      "Trust that this is for your own good. Mama loves you, and one day, you'll look back and see how much tougher, braver, and stronger you are than even I."

I soon came to a swollen belly again, only this time, I had aged a bit. I could see my Maw Maw in the background this Christmas day of 2003. I looked tired but happy. I saw the relief I had already claimed knowing that the very next morning, I'd be on an operating table, welcoming that beautiful baby girl. I looked at the womb which held that unborn child and I said...
     "If you could see you are the completion to this family that we all need. You have no idea that you will wake one day, and no longer hear my voice, but that's okay, you'll be just like your brother. God will bring you through it."

I quickly put that box of old pictures away. I had seen all that I could take for this one day. Sometimes we all get so consumed with small incidentals, that we forget what is waiting for us soon. I am beyond Blessed how HE has crafted my little family. I know today is just a picture, and tomorrow will hold new things for us and we will say, "If you could see me now..." I am so glad HE is everywhere, He is everywhere in my little world.

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